Malini stood examining her nakedness in the mirror. A sob clung to her throat. Her beauty caused no ripples in the bed sheets. What was wrong? She was tall and slender, and by all accounts attractive. She traced her face gently with her fingers and touched her hair. Slowly, she let her hair lose, letting it frame her oval face. The contrast between her dark hair and her cool creamy complexion was striking. She stroked her hair to detangle the locks and gazed down at her breasts. Those stupid breasts never grew after she turned sixteen. She squeezed them together to form a cleavage but they were too far apart. You will grow bigger after you get married, her friend had said with a mischievous glint in her eyes. That recollection agitated Malini. She looked at her flat stomach in the mirror and the dark triangle beneath.
What a waste, she thought.
It was almost a month since she came to Bombay as a bride. Bombay was a big city. She felt lost and lonely. Her parents-in-law lived in the left wing of the huge penthouse. She met them for breakfast and dinner in the common dining room where they ate silently, usually without her husband-Vinay. He was distant from the beginning. He said little to Malini and stayed out of the house whenever possible. His business was new and took most of his time. His parents were also not very communicative. Sometimes her mother-in-law sent for her in the afternoons to chat with her for a few minutes, usually to check if Malini needed something.
They were indeed rich. Not many in Bombay could afford even a modest house, and they had a whole floor to themselves. Malini enjoyed many comforts at the house. But she missed home and the happy noises that filled her father’s house. She felt wistful at the thought of the small town where she grew up.
Why did I agree to marry a stranger and leave home? She thought.
You are fortunate that a rich man wants you to be his only son’s bride, she remembered her mother’s self-assured statement.
Everybody tried to convince her of her good fortune. Everybody except Vinay. And finally, they all succeeded. Even Vinay’s father was so delightful and had sounded so certain about her future with his son. But he was vague about why Vinay did not come to meet her. She was disappointed but also intrigued by what the old man told about his son, Vinay is wild and impatient. And Malini perceived Vinay to be enigmatic, like a wild child who she was to tame. The old man believed that good looks could win over the hearts of saints, even gods. She had beauty that he believed would win Vinay over. The idea seemed utterly romantic. Malini felt proud of her beauty.
After many insistences from her parents, when Vinay finally came to their house, he remained quiet for the most part. That added to his mystery. Malini was pleased by his composure in spite of the “wildness” that his father swanked about earlier. But he talked eventually, as much to ask Malini about her aim in life. And then laughed heartily when she answered, To be a good wife. She was heartened by his throaty laughter. He was friendly, good looking, tall, and above all rich. What else could a girl want! That’s how she had decided that what her parents said was true about her fate getting a lucky twist.
Her mind drifted from past to her present.
Do girls really want a good looking husband who is rich? Incorrect! Girls want to churn desire in their husband’s heart.
She didn’t care what other girls wanted. But she surely wanted only that. Alas! She never got the chance.
What could be wrong? Does Vinay love another woman?
Malini felt confused and depressed. She did not have much to do during the day and yet she felt tired. She was tired of the rejection. She was tired of the loneliness. And most of all she was tired of wondering about her future with Vinay. Exhausted she went to bed.
She slept on one side of the bed even though she had the whole bed to herself. Vinay had moved into the room next to hers, when the last wedding guests left. She remembered the arguments that started the next morning when his parents discovered that he moved in the other room. Malini was about to go out to join the rest of the family for breakfast but the arguments got heated. She stayed in her room and listened to the commotion. She was perspiring with humiliation and anxiety.
What could I have done wrong in such a short time to get Vinay so angry? Am I so repulsive? So many questions had invaded the peace of her mind. Those questions kept resurfacing in her mind even now.
Malini turned for the fifth time in the bed. Her mind drifted once again to the past. Women had joked crudely, on the wedding night, as they led Malini to the nuptial bed. There is cotton under your pillow, someone had announced while others giggled. Later, Vinay stood beside the bed scratching his chin. She knitted her brows. Didn’t he know that he should undress his bride slowly and seductively? His friends apparently gave him no instruction for the wedding night. That was the only night she spent with Vinay in the same room, one out of twenty-five. She felt wasteful when she threw away the unused cotton the next morning. Her mother-in-law’s eyes had reflected a question. She felt unsettled from those memories. That night sleep was intermittent.
The traces of those thoughts stayed with Malini the next morning. A dull headache was slowly becoming annoying. The incomprehensible yet loud arguments, from the room at the far end of the long corridor, were not helping either.
She was taken aback at Vinay’s rare entry into her room. She was on her bed trying to read a book.
We will leave for Goa in three days, he said in a huff and left the room without her reply.
Twice, he had postponed the honeymoon trip. Apparently, his father was successful in convincing him for the honeymoon. She realized that the arguments in the morning were about the matter of their honeymoon.
So now he will have to be forced to go for a honeymoon with me, she thought. Humbling as that was, she couldn’t deny the opportunity the trip would provide. Thus, she let the feeling evaporate.
The next night Malini packed her bags. Pack for him too, her mother-in-law said. Malini was hesitant. She was an outsider. They did not even share a room.
He wouldn’t mind, Vinay’s mother said understanding her hesitation, It is your right.
A new bride doesn’t talk back to her mother-in-law.
Malini followed Vinay’s mother into the room. A faint yet pleasant smell expanded the appeal of the tidy room. After a few moments, her mother-in-law left the room saying, Call me if you need any help.
Malini inhaled the whiff of musk from Vinay’s cupboard. The shirts were neatly folded and piled and the pants hung from the hangers. Eight shirts should be enough for a week-long trip. She found his swimmer-shorts. His shaving kit. His underwear and socks. Touching the suit he wore for the wedding reception stimulated her. He might need some formal attire, at least a jacket. And he needed cufflinks.
But where does he keep them? Does he even wear them?
She looked in the lower shelf. A few papers and old college pictures were all she could find. She tried to recognize him among the multitude of half-centimeter faces. The upper shelf had his college degrees and certificates. She looked through- a meritorious student. There were certificates of excellence in various science projects. A certificate of attendance in a science fare. Bachelor in Commerce and MBA degree certificate, all were there. A certificate of first place he earned in a statewide essay competition. Even a playfully worded certificate for some cooking competition in college. She felt something swelling in her bosom. But no cufflinks.
She pulled a chair to take one more look in the upper shelf. Pushed far back was a rectangular box. The chair tilted in front, as she tried to reach the box. She looked around for something long. The cylindrical cardboard box could do the trick. It was too wide. I have to take its cap off for a stronger grip, she thought. The lid came off after some struggle. The papers in it spilled on her face as she tried to lug the box towards her. More certificates, she thought as she got down the chair.
The papers, tenacious to their previous form, were lying in loose coils on the floor. The rectangular box, finally acquired, rested on the footrest of the bed. Malini kneeled down to gather the curved rolls of papers. They were slick to touch. Under their shiny white surface might be more words of appreciation, compliment, approval, or induction. Her smile faded instantly as she looked. Vinay was not lost in that picture. His face was not a fraction of a centimeter but at least three inches long. The other man was unknown. They were facing each other, shirtless, holding each other by the shoulder and smiling. Their torsos arched away but their waists were interlocked front-to-front. Her eyes squinted until her brows felt taut.
Who is he? What is his name? Is he Vinay’s best friend? Did she meet him during the wedding reception? Is he alive? Dead? Gone Missing?
Her hands felt for another picture. There they were sitting side-by-side facing the camera. Vinay’s right hand was around the man’s naked waist and rested on the right side of his chest. While that man cupped Vinay’s inner thighs with his left hand. Their thighs were touching sideways. A twinge grew in Malini’s stomach.
The third picture revealed same closeness. He was sitting shirtless on a bench and Vinay was sitting on the ground between his legs. His head was arched back and the other man’s head was slightly bowed. They were looking into each other’s eyes. Belonging and longing spread out brazenly. Malini’s ears warmed and the pain in her stomach ascended by a few inches.
What are you doing here?
She did not hear Vinay come in. His voice was calm.
I…I…I was looking for cufflinks, she said.
Vinay’s image was a blur.
I don’t have cufflinks.
Oh!
What is this?
Who is your friend?
He is my partner.
In business?
No. In life.
…
…I love him as a man should love his wife.
Malini rushed out of the room. She could feel her heart racing when she entered her room. She tried to comprehend the meaning of what Vinay just said.
How is that even possible? She did not understand.
Vinay followed her up to the door of her room, Malini, I am sorry.
She looked at him. A request lingered in his honest eyes. She realized that that was the first time she looked into his eyes. Perhaps, that was the first time he allowed that. Her own eyes might have reflected a silent question.
He was perceptive. I did not want to get married. They thought that marriage would turn me over. But I have no control over this feeling.
She cleared a croak in her throat. What should I do?
I can divorce you.
Divorce?
Yes.
No.
What do you want then?
I want a normal life.
I know.
An uncomfortable stillness came over the room. Vinay left. Malini lay awake in her bed. She imagined herself back at her father’s house. She thought of her father- he already had the burden of her younger sisters. She thought of her unassuming mother- she would not know what to do or say. She thought of her friends, her neighbors, and her town. Everybody knew everybody there.
I will be the talk of the town. And my parents…Oh they will be so devastated. And what will I tell them? She realized that there was nothing to tell because they would not understand. And what could she explain about something she did not understand?
Divorce? She did not want a divorce. She shuddered. She could not afford it. Taking up a vocation was out of question, she trembled at the thought of stepping out in the world. Her parents had a vision for Malini to be a homemaker, a wife, a daughter-in-law, and eventually a mother. For that, she already had taken the risk to love a man who could never love her, never make love to her. She felt foolish and tired.
Lying on the bed, she looked out the window. The pale moon was traveling against the direction of a large black cloud. In minutes, that cloud devoured the moon. A soothing darkness filled the room. Malini closed her eyes and drifted into a dream.
She was naked in a field holding a cotton roll. Her breasts were shrinking, which made her cry. She tried to shout. And started to run clutching her breasts. The field ended over a cliff but she kept running. The cliff extended with each step that she took. Finally, she came to a huge straw nest in the middle of the path. She sat down in the nest and heard some birds chirping. That woke her up.
A sparrow chick was chirping nervously as it sat on the window sill. Apparently, it landed there during a flying lesson, unable to fly on its own. It fluttered its wings taking unsure steps towards the edge. Its mother swooped down and nudged the chick by her beak coaxing it to take its first flight.
If only I could have a child.
Anxiously she entered Vinay’s room. He was lying in bed staring at the roof. Malini sat near his feet. They looked at each other for a long time. His eyes searched her for a question that he knew he needed to answer.
If I could, Malini said, I mean, if we could have a child, Vinay.
Vinay sat up. A blaring silence engulfed the room.
Finally, Vinay said, Will that make you happy?
That will make me appear normal. Make us look normal.
Again, they sat in silence.
Then Vinay nodded. Perhaps, you are right. I think a child may help my parents ignore me too.
Malini felt like hugging him and crying. She was relieved that he agreed. Many thoughts stormed together into her mind.
He is not detached. The situation is as distressing for him as it is for me. I am not repulsive after all.
She felt sad for Vinay’s ineptness to love her. She could have given him so much.
I love kids, you know, he was saying.
Malini let a sob out. They hugged each other for a long time and cried. They knew that they had to be together for the sake of their parents, for their own sake, and most of all for the sake of the society. A child would be a bond that would keep them together and resolve many questions. Yet, a feeling of defeat captivated her. Strangely, she did not feel any jealousy towards the other man.
The next day they left for Goa, or so Vinay’s parents thought. She saw her father-in-law’s droopy eyes lift from the corners, as her mother-in-law waved them goodbye.
The hotel was close to the fertility clinic. That was the best fertility clinic in whole Bombay, Vinay told her. But the doctors said that it was impossible to take a new case. And they were still young perhaps they would not need help, they added. Vinay’s persistence assisted by his money had been successful. But they wanted to run some standard tests on Malini and Vinay.
We can carry out the procedure in her next ovulation cycle, the doctor said. You should know that there were many in the waiting list before you.
Vinay gave them a check for donation the next day. The day for her next visit was arranged.
There was a certain glow in Malini’s face when she returned home. She felt a different sort of closeness with Vinay. He moved back into her room after they returned from the clinic. That pleased his parents. She looked at her husband sitting on his bed talking on the cell phone. She knew to whom he was talking. But she did not care. She felt neutral toward that man and never wanted to meet him. The two worlds should never collide. She never asked and so never came to know how he reacted to Vinay’s decision to become a parent. She never asked if he even knew. But she wondered about that on many nights. Then she would smile and think about the intimacy of having a child with Vinay even if they never touched each other. That was something that only she could have with Vinay.
Malini was eager to visit the clinic again. On the eve of the designated day, Vinay announced at dinner that he was taking the next day off to take Malini for a picnic to Lonavla. The proposition was a hopeful one, his parents smiled at each other. And Vinay’s mother asked the cook to prepare a picnic lunch for the couple.
The day at the clinic was hectic. After scores of tests and ultrasounds, the doctors concluded that Malini would ovulate the next day.
Vinay called home. It is raining heavily here. And they stayed back.
The next day, their entities united in a Petri dish. The fertilization was successful. After the incubation time, Malini received the “zygote,” she hated the clinical reference for her baby.
Another pretense for a picnic to Khandala, two weeks later, led to the much awaited visit to the clinic.
It was confirmed- Malini was pregnant. And she was carrying twins.
With the news of pregnancy, Vinay’s parents had all their questions answered. They bought a diamond necklace for Malini. She earned it. She succeeded in what they wanted her to. They definitely had no more worries about their son.
